Hello.

Hello,
I exist.
I'm here.
I'm still breathing.
My brain is spinning.
The ideas are racing in my head.
None of them are good.
Time is going by so slow.
It's like the clock is not moving.

Hello,
My tears are dropping.
I guess I'm a pessimist by nature.
I'm proud of myself for spelling the word pessimist right.
I'm an idiot.
I'm my own reason of suffering.

Hello,
Dear brain, would you stop?
Thinking has never done us any good.
It's like I'm drowning in my own pond of dirty thoughts.

Hello,
Stupid ideas and thoughts, are you realizing that you mostly exist in my head only!
I feel like I'm detached from real life.

Hello,
Help!
Bye.

بنات افكاري

"قصة أكتبها و أنا الرواي

كلمات اسطرها و اعلم موقعها من نفسي

كلمات اخجل منها بعض الوقت

و اتجاهر بها في اوقات اخرى

يتقاسم جسدي شخصان هن أنا و أنا هن

تتشتت افكاري بينهما، هن أنا و أنا هن

فيا صاحبات الدرب تعاليا اعرفكن على بعضكن

هي أنا و أنا هي و تلك أنت و أنت أنا"

الحياة ...

تنقسم دنيا البشر الى عوالم صغيرة، لكل منها مداراتها و اقمارها و نجومها. فقد تكون سعيد الحظ اذا التقى مدار عالمك الصغير بمدار عالم صغير اخر.

ألوان عالمك تحددها انت و تغيرها انت و تحبها انت. و من الغباء، سيدي، ان تتوقع من أسياد العوالم الاخرى ان يقعوا في غرام عالم أنت سيده.

نجوم كوكبك ما هم الا عوالم صغيرة اخترتهم انت ليتلألؤا في سماء كوكبك الجميلة، منهم من يصبح شمسك و قد تكثر شموسك ان اردت، و منهم من ترى نوره من بعيد و تستأنس به كل فنية و منهم من يموت و يتلاشى ضوءه تاركا غبارا سمويا طفيفا ليذكرك بالراحل طوال الدهر.

في عالمك، قمر جميل هو انعكاس نور روحك على جسم معتم غير معروف الهوية و يزيد نوره و تبرز معالمه كلما زاد نورك.

في عالمك، كما هو في العالم الحقيقي، قد تحدث حروب و دمار و خوف و لكن اثار حروبك ستنعكس عليك وحدك!

فشموس عالمي الصغير هن دائما مصدر طاقتي و عطائي و سبب تمسكي بالوجود، فشكرا يا شموسي.

و نجومه ترسم بسمة على شفتي حين اتطلع الى السماء لأراهم.

و مازلت انتظر قمري ...

My Man .. My Hero

The end can't be ignored; for when it comes, you should be ready with your good deeds on your hands.

For when it comes, memories will glorify your journey on mother Earth. 

For when it comes, your buried remnants will witness their actions.

Dear grandpa, 

          You're the hero of my writings, my life. Down across your journey, I may miss out on the details but I know it is worth watching. I dream of you hugging me every night; though in real life we rarely hugged. We had our own way of expressing love. You wrote me poems, we sang, we laughed, we even cursed. Watching how you act in life, effortlessly, taught me a lot.

         I know this may sound pathetic, but every time a scene in a play or a movie has a grandfather role in it, leaves me with sour and pain.

        Grandpa, thank you for the memories. Thank you for being you. I can't yet get over your loss, although every night I tell myself that there's a bigger reason for your death.

       Grandpa, I'm graduating this year insha'Allah. Do you remember our plans? I'll have my own pharmacy and you'll be my assistant? I'll do the counseling and all the pharmacy related stuff and you'll be in charge of collecting money. I feel like you bailed out on me, I knew that our story was meant to end like any other story I just didn't thought that the end is near.

إلى سكان الكوكب،

عشان تعجب الناس اعمل كذا

عشان تعجب الناس البس كذا

عشان تعجب الناس اتكلم كدا

طب انا مليش نفس اعجبكم! انتم اصلا مش عجبني،

تعرفوا انا بسلي نفسي اني اتفرج و احكم عليكم من بعيد كدا، ايه مكنتوش تعرفوا؟ اديكوا عرفتوا :)

بتتكلموا عليا انتوا كمان؟ ما أنا عارفة.

بتتريقوا عليا؟ يا سلام مش فارقة، ما أنا اكيد بعمل نفس الحاجة.

اصل لا أنا هفهمكم و لا انتم هتفهموني

فعلى ايه وجع الدماغ؟

اعزائي البشر، سكان كوكبي -اللي مش عزيز على قلبي اوي عشان انتوا مشاركني فيه- كل حاجة بتضيقني منكم أنا اكيد بعلمها قصدها حاجة تضيقنكم مني و العكس صحيح، فيا كل واحد يعيش في حاله يا نفضها شغلانة و ابدؤا في التدوير على كوكب تاني يلمكوا عشان كوكب الأرض كدا خلاص جاب اخره!

اهربي ..

تحوم حولي، تجوب اركان الغرفة!

تتحرك بسرعة شديدة، بالكاد استطيع ان ارى ملامحها،

ترتدي السواد،

تقترب مني تارة و تبتعد تارة،

لا اعلم مقصدها،

لا أدري لماذا اختارت غرفتي ملاذ لها،

اتعرف اني اكرهها؟

اتعلم اني اتحين الفرصة لأزهق روحها!

اهربي ..

اذهبي الي مكان آمن ..

اغربي عن وجهي ..

فكلما اقتربتي مني اقتربت لحظة فراقك الدنيا!

أنا الشر كله ..

أنا عدوك اللدود ..

أنا اسوء امنياتك ..

اهربي ايتها الذبابة الماكرة،

 ف"شبشبي" هو اخر ما سترينه على هذا الكوكب!

No spells, No bears!

On watching "Brave" -Disney's movie- all I had in mind is that I don't want my Mama to become a bear so we narrow the gap between us!
Me and my Mom, we have our moments, our ups and downs but HELLLOOO who don't! Yet at the end of the day, I love her for who she is. Though I know all her defects and flaws, I still feel like a little baby every time I rest my head on her lap, aka my sanctuary.

So yeah Mommy, no spells, no bears, no anything; I've found my way of loving your flaws, and I will guide you to your way of loving mine.

Time for a change ..

I've been avoiding life for God knows how long with no particular reasons. It's like I was possessed by that grumpy obnoxious ghost, and the wow factor is I actually enjoyed the ride!
I've willingly sucked the life out of my life, and impudently looked for someone or something to blame. I've not completely got back to my senses, but you know what they say "first step is admitting there's something wrong".
So here I am, as foolish as I can ever get, exposing myself to the wide public, that I am made a list of the alterations I want to embed in my own life:
- Be great at what I am supposed to be great at.
- Save a life.
- Design and sew a WEARABLE garment.
- Have a puppy.
- Cut the crap!
- Erase the words "procrastination" and "lazy" from my dictionary.
- Fall in love and keep my heart in one piece no matter what.
Last but not least, take me seriously, listen to my advises, and for a change stick to my own plans because hello, dear me, they may work.

عالم جوا عالم

دي الحالة اللي متبقاش فاهم انت عايز ايه و مش مضايق. في حالتي انا بعمل حاجات كتير و تغيرات كتير اوي بس كله في عالم احلامي و خيالاتي الجميل.

 عندي عالم موازي لعالمكم. عالم الوانه بتتغير كل يوم. عالم يوم في تلج و يوم في شمس. عالم لو بصيت فيه على اليمين هتلاقي البدر منور السماء السوداء و النجوم زي اللالئ مستمتعة من فوق على منظر الموج و هو بيسلم على شط الرمال. و عالشمال فيه شمس ساطعة مرسلة اشعتها الحنونة على غابة واسعة فيها من الشجر انواع، الفواكهة و الورود حتى الخضار. عالم عندي فيه كلب وفي و جميل. عالمي مدخلوش بشر غيري و يوم لما بتختلط خيالاتي ببعضها و يتداخل عالمي الجميل بعالمكم العجيب بيتعكر مزاجي!

عالمي فيه انا بطير و بنط عالي، بعرف فيه اغني و اخيط و اطبخ و اعمل كل حاجة. كل حاجة فيه بتضحك و لا جه في يوم شوفت فيه دموع أو حزن. لا يعرف الموت طريق لعالمي و يوم ما هيزحف الموت لقلبه هيكون كمان أنا قلبي مات!

More Precious than Gold

It's like you have been hypnotized, and the words just flow out of your mouth. Even the bitterest things feel good knowing that they will be shared with someone who listens & cares. Your dumbest stories are no longer dumb, for changing your clothes becomes a story that you can tell, if you want to. When you feel that and more, congratulations my pal, you've gained a true friend.

Grandpa, I miss you.

Dead, died, dying, death were following me all day long. Crying, cried, hysterically laughing, not believing, not caring were all my feelings all day long. My stiff hard self, for the first time, was crying out for a hug. A mix of emotions that I can't get. It's not like someone who's really close or someone I even met has passed to the after life, it's just the pain, grief and sadness that suddenly replaced the laughter, joy and smiles.

The word death immediately brings the memory of my beloved grandpa to my mind. The intensity of the word and its action re-open a wound inside my heart. Four is the number of those I lost. Four is the number of those I pray for every night before I go to bed. But the loss of grandpa exceeded all the limits of pain, if supposedly pain has any limits. He was very dear to my heart, recalling his picture in my mind soothe my heart and leave me with comfort and peace. He showed me love in the way love should be shown. He taught me stuff only he could teach. I knew how to please him, how to make him laugh & how to make him giggle. I even knew how to get him furious and angry. I know I miss him, but I cant do anything about it.

RIP grandpa.

قلب نابض بالايمان

جزء من الايمان هو التصديق المطلق لأشياء قد تبدو في ظاهرها بسيطة و لكن اذا تعمق المرء لاكتشاف بعض الأسرار و الأدلة التي تبرهن على عظمة الخالق. 

استوقفني مؤخرا عظمة حديث الرسول صلى الله عليه و سلم (اللَّهُمَّ أَحْيِنِي مِسْكِينًا ، وَأَمِتْنِي مِسْكِينًا ، وَاحْشُرْنِي فِي زُمْرَةِ الْمَسَاكِينِ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ) عندما تباهى عم أبو سيد به.

 عم أبو سيد رجل تقدم به العمر، ولد ليجد نفسه فقيرا و لا يملك من امره شيء و لكنه لم يستسلم، على وجهه المكسي بخطوط العمر توجد مسحة من الطيبة. "ما هو سيدنا النبي كان مسكين زينا" هي جملة نقطها لسانه متباهيا بعدما نعت بال"مسكين". لربما لم يعِ عم أبو سيد ان كلمة مسكين المذكورة في الحديث تعني المتواضع الخاضع لله، و لم يتطرق لتفسير الحديث أو صحته لكنه شعر بصلة تجمعه بنبيه خير الانام دون ان يراه، صفة ينعت بها عم أبو سيد كثيرا ربما بقصد الشفقة و لكن الله زرع من الايمان في قلبه ما يجعله فخورا بكونه مسكين.

فدم اللهم ربي ما وضعت في قلب هذا الرجل الفقير اليك من حبك و حب نبيك و ارزقنا و اياه شربة من يد حبيبك لا نظمئ بعدها ابدا.

Baby steps to the real world

In my own bubble I'm resting my head on my hands, eyes rolling around, and zoning out. In my own bubble, I'm laying down, I see you coming closer with sharp edgy pins in your hands trying to burst my bubble. In my own bubble, I'm scared. In my own bubble, I'm wearing the mask of a legendary hero. In my own bubble, I'm promising myself to grasp the good of this world, to make it mine. In my own bubble, my heart is racing, my tears are involuntary shedding despite all the power exerted by my brain to stop them from flowing. In my own bubble, I can see you getting closer and closer.

The end of my bubble is declared by the echoing sound of the burst. The shredded parts of the bubble were all over the place, here lies my dreams, and there lies my hopes. Like a baby for the first time I'm meeting the world, blurry are the faces, fading are the sounds, and burning is the light. Here I am, collecting the pieces of my comfort bubble. Like jigsaw puzzle pieces, time will be needed to reform the bubble allover again. Like a jigsaw puzzle, I'll be able to see the cracks and rifts between each and every piece. My bubble will never be whole again.

Dear real world, I would have asked for a better meeting; but you hadn't waited. Dear real world, frenemies we  became.

Power of My Own

By Mia Araujo

It is  a humanly -not intended- feature. A feature that seems to surprise me every now and then. My feature is my superpower and sometimes it's my weakness point. Carelessness, ladies and gentlemen, is my thing. It's not a permanent thing to be counted on, yet it's not a minute thing to be ignored. 

To care is to think, to preoccupy your mind with those tiny details that means nothing to the general public but means the world to the person in question.

To care is to love, to lock the memories in a safe place deep down in your heart, and to recall them when they are needed knowing that you wont be forgiven if you forget a thing.

To care is to cherish the years, the months, the weeks, the days, and the seconds well and not so well spent around that special someone. Caring is much of a job that you're not allowed to quit. 

But one day, when the truth hits you with its rage waves breaking your guards and swallowing all the beautiful moments into the vortex of reality, you're the one to be blamed. Warning flags were raised several times on the shore of your relationship beach, all you did is turning a blind eye for the sake of love you say.

There is no superman to save you, no solid support to cling to, there's you and you alone. Are ready to face the angry ocean of your emotions? Surprisingly I am. It's when I discovered my superpower of shutting the world down, clearing my head, and dragging myself to the sweet imaginary world of mine; Carelessness I call it, cruelty they see it.